It's a Vicious Cycle

sin. remorse. vows. lies. condemnation.

I feel like I'm reading one of those billboards geared to helping women get out of abusive relationships... except this relationship is between the enemy and myself.
and sometimes, he is not even involved. I can play both parts.

I've made mistakes in my life, just like everyone else. No one is perfect. Except, I expect myself to be. I expect myself to be perfect and never wrong, amazing at everything and able to do anything that anyone asks. Wonder Woman to the rescue!!!

But that's not reality. If God created us all to be excellent at everything, there would only be need for one human on the planet.

The problem arises in me when I judge myself based on what I cannot and am not doing with my life or in my everyday walk on this Earth. The list grows everyday of the ways that I perceive me letting God and others down. Disappointment and worry are daily companions.

I wrap my identity up in how much I accomplish or fail to do and how many things I do "right" or "wrong". This has been a growing pattern for many years.

I've been struggling a lot with depression in light of all these thoughts. That's why hope and positivity are some of my goals for 2013.

My goal is to break this pattern.

I know that any good thing comes from focusing my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith. One version says "Perfector". When Barbie quoted that Scripture today I heard the Lord whisper to me,
"Remember that? It's My job to form you, not yours. I am the Finisher. I am the Perfector. I do all things well."
What a good God we serve!

The goal of my life must be Christ alone. nothing else. Not making a difference in the students I teach. Not being a good wife. JESUS CHRIST.

A mentor once told me a friend of his lived by this (paraphrased) philosophy, if you will.
My only purpose is to love God. My only priority is to pursue Him.
Now in that, He has a list of priorities for my life like loving my spouse and doing my job with excellence. But that's His list. He is my list.

Here's to simply loving Jesus and pursuing Him. Seeking His Kingdom and letting all things come with that. His will active in my life because He is my one and only priority.
Let it be so.