sin. remorse. vows. lies. condemnation.
I feel like I'm reading one of those billboards geared to helping women get out of abusive relationships... except this relationship is between the enemy and myself.
and sometimes, he is not even involved. I can play both parts.
I've made mistakes in my life, just like everyone else. No one is perfect. Except, I expect myself to be. I expect myself to be perfect and never wrong, amazing at everything and able to do anything that anyone asks. Wonder Woman to the rescue!!!
But that's not reality. If God created us all to be excellent at everything, there would only be need for one human on the planet.
The problem arises in me when I judge myself based on what I cannot and am not doing with my life or in my everyday walk on this Earth. The list grows everyday of the ways that I perceive me letting God and others down. Disappointment and worry are daily companions.
I wrap my identity up in how much I accomplish or fail to do and how many things I do "right" or "wrong". This has been a growing pattern for many years.
I've been struggling a lot with depression in light of all these thoughts. That's why hope and positivity are some of my goals for 2013.
My goal is to break this pattern.
I know that any good thing comes from focusing my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith. One version says "Perfector". When Barbie quoted that Scripture today I heard the Lord whisper to me,
"Remember that? It's My job to form you, not yours. I am the Finisher. I am the Perfector. I do all things well."
What a good God we serve!
The goal of my life must be Christ alone. nothing else. Not making a difference in the students I teach. Not being a good wife. JESUS CHRIST.
A mentor once told me a friend of his lived by this (paraphrased) philosophy, if you will.
My only purpose is to love God. My only priority is to pursue Him.
Now in that, He has a list of priorities for my life like loving my spouse and doing my job with excellence. But that's His list. He is my list.
Here's to simply loving Jesus and pursuing Him. Seeking His Kingdom and letting all things come with that. His will active in my life because He is my one and only priority.
Let it be so.
Sunday
Monday
Come Quickly
My church has been studying the end times in a series cleverly entitled, "Inquiring Mayans Want to Know"
Sunday morning the pastor spoke about the power of God and how it will no longer be shared with the world or the enemy. He talked about how it will not be a smooth transition from the ruling prince of the air to the King of Glory.
However.
It will be glorious.
Pastor posed the question to us that people are always saying...
"Why does God allow..."
"Why didn't God do anything about..."
"Why doesn't God just stop all suffering and oppression?"
but what happens when He does?
and He will! He has promised to wipe the tears away.
He has promised us a wedding feast in His great city.
I caught myself tonight thinking of a family I know who suffered the devastating loss of a young child. He was 7 years old when he died and was claimed muscular dystrophy and pneumonia. I started to ask God why He allowed pain and suffering such as this... and then I thought, What about when He doesn't have to anymore? How glorious a day it will be when we walk with Him in perfection! There will be no more death, no more fear, no more hunger or thirst, no more pain, no more sorrow. There will only be joy in our hearts and praise on our lips!
The thought of the Christ's triumphant return is supposed to be encouragement to believers according to Paul. I better understand that idea after Sunday. My response to trouble, strife, pain, grief today has been "What about when He comes back?"
For Elena: this promise of perfection in the city on a hill means no more worry, doubt, and insecurity. Working at my second job is always a struggle for me.
I feel demeaned, underappreciated, and forgotten
(like it's all about me anyway).
It's a means to an end that I wish I could leave in the dust on most days.
I work this second job because I worry about making ends meet.
(like that's my doing anyway).
It causes me to doubt my purposes because I am still working in a menial job.
(like Earthly status means anything in the Eternal Kingdom my soul longs for)
I wrap my identity up in my job because I feel like my real calling is being prevented by every teaching job I don't get
(like that's the only place that God wants to use me for His purposes)
And then on the way home, I heard a lovely song by Francesca Battistelli called "Strangely Dim".
I was actually driving down my own street when I heard the song and God literally stopped my thought process so I could hear these words:
I've got all these plans piled up sky high
a thousand dreams on hold,
and I don't know why
Got a front row seat to the longest wait
and I just can't see past the things I pray today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
then every doubt I feel
deep in my heart
grows strangely dim
all my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
and don't look around
any place I'm in
grows strangely dim
...
I don't know what tomorrow may hold,
but I know that You're holding it all
so no matter what may come...
I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are till every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim...
Sunday morning the pastor spoke about the power of God and how it will no longer be shared with the world or the enemy. He talked about how it will not be a smooth transition from the ruling prince of the air to the King of Glory.
However.
It will be glorious.
Pastor posed the question to us that people are always saying...
"Why does God allow..."
"Why didn't God do anything about..."
"Why doesn't God just stop all suffering and oppression?"
but what happens when He does?
and He will! He has promised to wipe the tears away.
He has promised us a wedding feast in His great city.
I caught myself tonight thinking of a family I know who suffered the devastating loss of a young child. He was 7 years old when he died and was claimed muscular dystrophy and pneumonia. I started to ask God why He allowed pain and suffering such as this... and then I thought, What about when He doesn't have to anymore? How glorious a day it will be when we walk with Him in perfection! There will be no more death, no more fear, no more hunger or thirst, no more pain, no more sorrow. There will only be joy in our hearts and praise on our lips!
The thought of the Christ's triumphant return is supposed to be encouragement to believers according to Paul. I better understand that idea after Sunday. My response to trouble, strife, pain, grief today has been "What about when He comes back?"
For Elena: this promise of perfection in the city on a hill means no more worry, doubt, and insecurity. Working at my second job is always a struggle for me.
I feel demeaned, underappreciated, and forgotten
(like it's all about me anyway).
It's a means to an end that I wish I could leave in the dust on most days.
I work this second job because I worry about making ends meet.
(like that's my doing anyway).
It causes me to doubt my purposes because I am still working in a menial job.
(like Earthly status means anything in the Eternal Kingdom my soul longs for)
I wrap my identity up in my job because I feel like my real calling is being prevented by every teaching job I don't get
(like that's the only place that God wants to use me for His purposes)
And then on the way home, I heard a lovely song by Francesca Battistelli called "Strangely Dim".
I was actually driving down my own street when I heard the song and God literally stopped my thought process so I could hear these words:
I've got all these plans piled up sky high
a thousand dreams on hold,
and I don't know why
Got a front row seat to the longest wait
and I just can't see past the things I pray today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
then every doubt I feel
deep in my heart
grows strangely dim
all my worries fade and fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
and don't look around
any place I'm in
grows strangely dim
...
I don't know what tomorrow may hold,
but I know that You're holding it all
so no matter what may come...
I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are till every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim...
Day One: Gypsy Revival
Day 1: blue long skirt, gray turtleneck, white undershirt, black ankle boots.
One of the teachers at the school today asked me if I was going to a gypsy revival... In her defense, I did have a braid and a flower in my hair.
I'm planning on posting a picture everyday in a Facebook album.
Would this be too narcissistic?
I found myself planning and delaying my favorite outfits.
I think being with Jared for 4 1/2 years is finally starting to have an effect on me.
As I was getting dressed this morning, I was thinking that I should wear my skirts while I can because there might be days where those are forbidden. I was also forgoing staple clothing to really appreciate wearing later.
I've been struggling with the amount of discipline and impulsivity in my life lately. I think this will be a journey in patience, creativity, and self control, among other things.
I also thought I'd post my 2013 Resolution today.
I made a list of 13 qualities/areas I would like to see grow in my life in the next 12 months.
1. Excellence
2. Patience
3. Perseverance
4. Submission w/o sass
5. Diligence
6. Identity
7. Planning
8. Communication
9. Trust
10. Hope
11. Positivity
12. Friendships
13. Purity
One of the teachers at the school today asked me if I was going to a gypsy revival... In her defense, I did have a braid and a flower in my hair.
I'm planning on posting a picture everyday in a Facebook album.
Would this be too narcissistic?
I found myself planning and delaying my favorite outfits.
I think being with Jared for 4 1/2 years is finally starting to have an effect on me.
As I was getting dressed this morning, I was thinking that I should wear my skirts while I can because there might be days where those are forbidden. I was also forgoing staple clothing to really appreciate wearing later.
I've been struggling with the amount of discipline and impulsivity in my life lately. I think this will be a journey in patience, creativity, and self control, among other things.
I also thought I'd post my 2013 Resolution today.
I made a list of 13 qualities/areas I would like to see grow in my life in the next 12 months.
1. Excellence
2. Patience
3. Perseverance
4. Submission w/o sass
5. Diligence
6. Identity
7. Planning
8. Communication
9. Trust
10. Hope
11. Positivity
12. Friendships
13. Purity
Sunday
Lover of My Clothes
7. seven. siete.
It's a magical and mystical number.
For some these past few weeks it has been a menacing and maddening number.
It is the number that the Holy Spirit used to inspire a fast in Jen Hatmaker.
She also wrote a blog, a book, and a bible study on the experience.
She took 7 areas of her life that were out of control, and surrendered them to Christ in what most would deem a radical way.
7 foods for one month.
7 items of clothing for one month.
7 things given away per day for one month.
7 places to spend money for one month.
7 times to pray and distress in one day, for one month.
Our church's bible study group is in week 3 of the 7 experiment.
This week's monster: Possessions.
The goal: give away seven things a day for seven days.
Alteration: purge seven items from each room in your house.
In purging my closet today in order to bless another, I stumbled upon an overwhelming factor that I chose, yes purposely ignored the Holy Spirit and CHOSE (Forgive me, Lord), to ignore...
I had over 350 items in my wardrobe.
I was taken aback. Stunned. Jared sat in the bathroom and watched/listened as I scolded myself for the amount of excess I had accumulated. I secretly judged my friend Anna (forgive me, chamiga) for having 322. I had to swallow a hard pill today and realize that when I think, "I got this..." I definitely do not.
Lord, forgive me.
I keep repeating that in my head.
And in light of this, and as an extension of the clothing fast... I am committing with FIRM RESOLVE to wear everything once before I can wear anything in that category a second time. I'll have to cycle through pants so I have a full, modest outfit to wear in public for the full term.
This will be an indefinite fast of clothing.
Jesus, walk me through this. Teach me what you need me to learn. Let me find my identity, security, and beauty in Your Face and not my clothes. Sweet King, lead me down the road less traveled, the one to Your heart.
It's a magical and mystical number.
For some these past few weeks it has been a menacing and maddening number.
It is the number that the Holy Spirit used to inspire a fast in Jen Hatmaker.
She also wrote a blog, a book, and a bible study on the experience.
She took 7 areas of her life that were out of control, and surrendered them to Christ in what most would deem a radical way.
7 foods for one month.
7 items of clothing for one month.
7 things given away per day for one month.
7 places to spend money for one month.
7 times to pray and distress in one day, for one month.
Our church's bible study group is in week 3 of the 7 experiment.
This week's monster: Possessions.
The goal: give away seven things a day for seven days.
Alteration: purge seven items from each room in your house.
In purging my closet today in order to bless another, I stumbled upon an overwhelming factor that I chose, yes purposely ignored the Holy Spirit and CHOSE (Forgive me, Lord), to ignore...
I had over 350 items in my wardrobe.
I was taken aback. Stunned. Jared sat in the bathroom and watched/listened as I scolded myself for the amount of excess I had accumulated. I secretly judged my friend Anna (forgive me, chamiga) for having 322. I had to swallow a hard pill today and realize that when I think, "I got this..." I definitely do not.
Lord, forgive me.
I keep repeating that in my head.
And in light of this, and as an extension of the clothing fast... I am committing with FIRM RESOLVE to wear everything once before I can wear anything in that category a second time. I'll have to cycle through pants so I have a full, modest outfit to wear in public for the full term.
This will be an indefinite fast of clothing.
Jesus, walk me through this. Teach me what you need me to learn. Let me find my identity, security, and beauty in Your Face and not my clothes. Sweet King, lead me down the road less traveled, the one to Your heart.
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